Re-Writing my Narrative

I think I could write an entire book and then some if I truly wanted to capture everything that I have discovered about myself and about life over the past few years. But this past year in particular, has been so transformative for me.

That being said, transformation does not come without some degree of loss and grief for me, in regards to what once was, and will no longer be. There is a rhyme and a reason to life, a certain progression of challenges and heartaches, and triumphs and victories.

I think the most profound discovery has been the realization that I have been playing really small in life. Like…really small. I have been confined by the walls of my own little box of comfort that I created and I have allowed my voice, my power, to be silenced. Life as I know it has been run primarily by fear, and for as long as I can remember.

A fear of failure.
A fear of how I might be viewed by others.
A fear of making the wrong choice.
A fear of being alone.
A fear of financial failure.
A fear of regretting something that I don’t even allow myself the opportunity of regretting.

Fear is crazy right. It has this way of hijacking our whole life and controlling how we show up. The source of my fear is my innate need for safety and security, my need for love and belonging. But what I’ve realized is when those needs are met, but at the expense of full self expression, I am still left in a place of emptiness. There is a disconnect from self that does not feel good.

I was listening to a live the other day on leadership. It talked about the 7 core needs of humans:
Connection
Safety
Significance
Certainty
Variety
Growth
Contribution

So when I take the time to look at the strategies I have implemented in life to meet those needs, it becomes quite clear how they are often counterintuitive. For example, my need for certainty and safety has kept me in the same life circumstances for a significant period of time – in my marriage and in my career. And the expense of that, has been an unmet need for variety, growth, and connection.

I don’t think I’ve ever taken this much of a deep dive into life. It’s been confronting and refreshing and transformative.

It’s simple really. I’m starting the challenge my own personal narrative. Where does it come from anyways. It’s like saying “I’m not a night owl. I never have been.” Ok…sure…maybe? Or is that a story that I created that I continue to live into because that’s just my default.

Learning to challenge my default is something I have to constantly generate. After all, it’s taken me almost 34 years to create me and who I am. It’s going to take time and practice to re-write the stories I have already written.

I was having a conversation with a friend about the loss of my best friend at the age of 15. It was tragic and unexpected, and definitely the most traumatic thing I have experienced. And what I realized in the conversation is that to some degree, that 15 year old girl has been running my life ever since.

The day I lost my best friend is the day I decided two things – that I needed to have control in my life and that I would no longer allow myself to be close to people. Because loss is inevitable and I didn’t want to experience that ever again. I avoided close friendships, I avoided sharing myself with other people. And I took on being a service to others so that I wouldn’t have to look within. This was the start of me sacrificing my personal needs. I feared vulnerability. I still do to some degree. I needed control which created an intense need for independence.

But what’s interesting is that a very unhealthy co-dependency also developed out of that. It’s like my need for independence applied in all areas except my personal romantic relationships. Looking back now, it’s so clear to me. But when I was in it, I was in it. Even now…I’m likely on it still, often, and just don’t see it.

Literally, every decision I have made since 2002, has been in part, run by my 15 year old self. It’s crazy.

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In 2012, something significant happened in the relationship with my husband that had an impact on me and our daughter. She was 5 months old t the time.

My inability to see him as anyone other than the irresponsible, selfish, alcoholic parent and husband that I believed he was being in that moment, did nothing but add fuel to the fire that burned my marriage to the ground.

I’m starting to accept responsibility for the way I showed up…or didn’t show up. I created my husband to be that person, and since that day, I have done nothing but collect evidence that supported who he was to me in that moment, and many other moments. I’m still doing it.

Every single day I have to wake up and re-create who he is. And my default is to say that I am not collecting or looking for evidence, but that he keeps freely providing it, and it’s just there.

That keeps me in a space of righteousness. And that serves no purpose. Because it keeps him where he is, and keeps me in a space of resenting him. And there’s nothing positive about that. There is no room for anything else to be.

I feel like this took a turn, but I shared what’s on my heart in this moment. I’m learning, so much about myself, and who I want to be in this life. It’s fun, and not so fun, and exhausting, and empowering. But I’m here for it.

Integrity

I’ve felt a huge shift in the last several months. My default is to say, “I don’t really know why,” but that is a lie. It’s a culmination of…the last few years, some intense introspection, and stepping into my truth. And just to run with that for a second – do you ever stop to think about your automatic thoughts, automatic words, automatic responses? There are SO MANY. Like when someone asks, “How are you?” Do you pause to provide a genuine response or do you default to an “I’m good, how are you?” When you take the time to stop and notice all your automatics…it’s mind blowing. Anyways, continuing on…

I have stopped running. Not fully, but this is the least amount of running away I have done in 3 years. It’s funny how you can convince yourself that the decisions you are making are sound and well thought out and logical and whatever else they should be…when really there is an underlying unhealthy defense mechanism fueling it all.

I’m not sure if it’s my pride, or maybe my intense need to protect myself from any more hurt, my fear of vulnerability, my stubbornness…the list goes on…that keeps me from backtracking on a decision. I feel this intense need to stand by my decisions but who’s to say that the mind can’t change?! What I have been doing is unfair.

It’s one thing to be dishonest with others, and it’s a whole other beast when you are dishonest with yourself. Neither are ideal, obviously. But yet, we as humans do both. And this doesn’t just mean being blatantly dishonest…it’s the little fibs here or there, the exaggerations, the down playing, the excuses, the withholding of information, etc. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on integrity. What does that mean? How does integrity translate to relationships. I’ve always thought about integrity as being observable by others…ya know…doing the right thing even when nobody is looking (aka don’t get caught doing something wrong). But to me, that has always related to societal and cultural expectations I guess, rather than expectations of self. It’s more than expectations, it’s moral based. Is what I am doing right now, is the way I am conducting myself, is the way I am engaging with others…in alignment with my own personal values?

A few podcasts I’ve been listening to lately have talked more about integrity and how it relates to self. If we have goals, dreams, aspirations that we genuinely want to achieve, then we have a responsibility to self to act with integrity. That means actually waking up when the alarm clock goes off. That means making it to gym when planned. It means keeping the plans you make with yourself. If you wouldn’t cancel on others, then WHY would you cancel on yourself?

I’m working really hard on practicing what I am preaching. It’s so easy to read something, hear something, say something., think oh that’s really great, I love that, I should do that…and move on. It’s something entirely different to read something, hear something, say something…think about it, process it, take away what is applicable personally, and truly apply it. Right?

So back to that whole running away thing. In my mind, I’ve had this ideal picture of the way I want my life to look, particularly when it comes to marriage and family. But as a result of hurt and pain, I have taken away my own accountability and have relied on my defenses for far too long. “Well you did this to me, so of course I did that…you’ve done X, Y, Z, so why would I give you a part of me when I don’t feel you deserve it?” Ok, big picture…is acting in that manner serving me in the way of helping me reach my big picture goal? Not in the slightest.

GIVE & TAKE

VULNERABILITY

HONESTY

INTEGRITY

Relationships are hard. Vulnerability is terrifying. Nobody wants to get hurt. Nobody wants to feel anxious. Nobody wants to feel pain. So naturally, we protect ourselves. Over time, we are conditioned to protect ourselves, even in the absence of a threat. So long ago, someone said to me, “Whatever you do, do NOT get lost in the ‘what if’ forest.” The land of what if’s is vast, and it’s so easy to get lost in that, and it changes the way we approach life.

Control the things you can, and let the universe handle the rest. 

That’s starts within. That starts with self. That starts with not snoozing the alarm clock.  That starts with following through with your goals. That starts with showing up. That starts with starting.

So for me, I will no longer run. I will show up… in all of my glory to my relationship with myself and my husband. I will continue to do the inner work that needs to be done. I will acknowledge the role I have played. I will do what I need to do to live a life of integrity.

And last but not least.

Beliefs are a choice. 

That means beliefs are not fixed. Beliefs are within our control. So believe that you are worthy. Believe that you are capable. Believe that you are worthy. Start to acknowledge those self-limiting beliefs and adopt the idea that beliefs are a choice. And they always will be. 

Perseverance

I’ve been going back and forth on writing this post. But the one thing I always come back to is that writing is my therapy. And no matter what words spill out onto the page, they are real and uncensored…and valid. So…here it goes.

It’s really easy after being hurt, to validate your own actions with, “Well you did this…your actions made me this way…what else can you expect, etc.” You see, I’ve been really good at this part…the whole not taking responsibility for the part I played, and in turn, not putting in any work to change anything. My attitude has been – Well I didn’t want to be here in the first place so the fact that I’m still here is enough. That takes care of my part because it’s the complete opposite of what I wanted.

Something has to be said for his perseverance…and the way he KEEPS SHOWING UP. Over and over again, despite my bad attitude and lack of commitment. He just keeps on showing up. And I must say that often times I really wished to myself that he wouldn’t. I’d think, “can you just give up already….just walk away because clearly this isn’t working.” But he didn’t. Did he always have a happy and positive attitude when he showed up, absolutely not. But neither did I, so I guess that leveled the playing field a little bit (except keeping score doesn’t do anyone any good). Can I really fault him for that?

I think he deserves a lot more credit than I’ve ever been willing to give him. But I think I’m ready now. When someone is irritable, resistant to anything you say/do, does not return affection, prefers to be alone rather than in your presence…how easy is it to keep putting in the effort? NOT easy. And if it were me, I’d probably run as far as I possibly could in the other direction. Because let’s face it, feeling unwanted and unworthy is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. But guess what I got in exchange for all that lack of effort? I recieved foot rubs, help with the household chores, surprise flowers, emotional support if/when I would actually let him in on any of my emotions. And I think all those little things add up to being way more important than the big things.

The one message I have consistently sent to him is that my healing will take time and I can’t promise what the outcome at the end of said “time” will be. How discouraging would that be? I didn’t want to lie and that…is my truth. How can I fault him for feeling discouraged when I just said myself that hearing and knowing that, would feel very discouraging. After all, it doesn’t provide much hope for a happily ever after ending.

I’ll tell you what his moments of weakness…his moments of feeling discouraged…his moments of being frustrated with the situation…have been to me. They were my emergency escape moments. His “fuck-ups” are my security blanket. The validation that I so very much need for some reason. Validation that he’s still the same person…that everything else is just a facade and once he feels secure in us, that he will go back to the way it’s always been.

WHY DO WE DO THAT AS HUMANS?

WHY is being vulnerable such an absolutely terrifying thing?

My head is stuck in the cycle. Because of past experiences, it is stuck. And unless I am willing to show up like he does…unless I am willing to be a little more vulnerable…I will never get out of that.

So to him…your commitment and perseverance does not go unnoticed. I’d like to think that I am slowly softening this outer titanium shell that I have built. Thank you for showing up – over and over and over again. I appreciate you…even though my words and actions often do not reflect that.

 

Run.

It’s one of those days.

Sometimes I just want to run as far as I possibly can and never look back.

But I’m not someone that runs.

I stay.

I fight.

I give it everything I’ve got.

But right now, I have nothing left.

I see you breaking right in front of me. And the fact that I feel nothing terrifies me. I am breaking you. Day after day after day…I keep breaking you.

That’s Fucked.

But here I am. Pouring words onto this screen, fighting my urge to run.

If I had a magic wand…

I have been sitting on this for a few days now thinking that with time, this would be easier to answer.

I thought wrong.

When I think back to the past few years, I am overwhelmed with a mix of emotions. I am flooded with anxiety. I am flooded with frustration, regrets, pain. But I am also overwhelmed with gratitude because I am the more whole than I have ever been before. I am the strongest, both mentally and physically, that I have ever been. My close circle of friends is more supportive and understanding and REAL than I ever thought was possible.

It’s interesting how everything can be so good and so bad all at the same time.

So back to the question of…If I had a magic wand, what would I do?

I am answering this as it relates to me and my family, not all of mankind. Because if I answered it as it relates to all the changes I could make in this crazy harsh beautiful world of ours, I would never be able to finish this post.

Ok, ok, I’m getting to it already. (I’m stalling. Because once these words get out of my head, it makes it real. And real is scary.)

I want freedom. That’s emotional, physical, financial…all of it. With my my magic wand, I would give myself full independence so that I was in a position to make and carry out any decision I choose to make. Whether that is to stay or go, I would be able to decide and carry it through.

I can say that right now, that decision would be to leave. I love him but I am not in love. I have not been for a very long time. I am fearful of him, not fearful of physical harm, but fearful of his words, his manipulation, his blame. All of it.

That being said, I still wish him nothing but happiness. If anything, I would give him just that…happiness. Happiness with himself first and foremost and the confidence to be real and authentic…to be the person that I don’t think he’s allowed himself to fully discover yet. He has a heart of gold, is full of compassion and love, but has taken it away from himself for one reason or another.

And I just can’t be a part of that happiness that he longs for and deserves.

Second to that, I would give our children the knowledge and understanding of the situation, and provide them with a healthy and strong example of co-parenting, while giving them all the support that they need…in whatever form that may take. They are young, they won’t fully understand now or quite possibly, ever. But I will always strive for open, honest, and real conversation with them. both.

I feel like the rest of life will unfold the way it’s supposed to. As frustrating and challenging as it may be at the moment, I am confident that things will work out in whatever way this universe has decided for us.

 

The Way I Am

1 year ago I started this post. It’s been a saved draft ever since. Today…it is just as accurate. Today…I will finish it.

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I have thought a lot in the last few days about the things you have said to me. I have believed the things you have told me about myself, the blame you have pushed upon me, and the character flaws you continuously make known. And in those same moments of belief, there is also disbelief. There is an internal reminder that the things I do, the decisions I have made, the things we have been through…are not all my fault. The way in which things are communicated to me, at me, through me…are not healthy.

1. I’m a bad communicator.
   I’d like to think that this is untrue. And I’d also like to think that I communicate quite well when communicating with another individual that doesn’t shut down and disregard the things I am saying. I live for deep, soul connecting conversations. I enjoy learning about the point of view of others and trying to understand where he/she is coming from. What I don’t live for is being told how I feel, being told that my feelings are invalid, having my words taken out of context and used as a way to put me down. I am quickly reminded that my silence is unhelpful in the conversation…but yet when I speak and attempt to communicate my thoughts and feelings…it falls on deaf ears and is met with a defensive response, interruption, blame, or minimization.
2. I hold on to my journals.
   Apparently…that’s a bad thing? I have journaled since I was 15 years old. Within those journals are my ups and downs, documentation of the most amazing times in my life and also the most horrible. I write it all down. I also look back as a form of self reflection, a way of reminding myself that all of my experiences have brought me to this current moment in time. A journal is personal and as far as I’m concerned, it is nobody else’s business. Nobody else should ever read it unless invited, nor should anybody used it against someone. Journaling is a way of connecting with your inner most thoughts and feelings in a judgement free zone, a place to dump your brain. A place to get it all out. Personally, I also document my day to day. I want to remember all of it. That means the good, the bad, the ugly. Mistakes and bad choices still exist, whether they are written down or not. I personally do not like to forget. And nobody has the right to tell me that journaling and holding on to memories is not ok.
3. I need to seek a therapist.
   You’re probably right about this one, but not for the reasons you think. I think everyone can benefit from a therapist because let’s face it, holding in your thoughts and feelings is unhealthy. Talking to a therapist can be quite different from talking with your closest friends because it brings in an outside perspective. I’d also like to think that I’m fairly insightful into the reasons why I’ve made the decisions I have and why I act the way I do. The challenges we face in our relationship have continued because the actions, behaviors, and characteristics that originally created the issues we have faced, still continue to some degree. Is it the complete same? No. With time and life changes and everything else that comes along with growing and changing and experiencing…our relationships has changed. It’s foolish to think it can ever be the way it once was, and why would we want it to be? UPDATE: I went to therapy. Was it helpful, sure. But when the problems exist outside of just me, therapy by one party is not a game changer or miracle problem solver. I was told this again 3 nights ago by you. I have intimacy issues and, “You’re going to go to therapy for this. This is your problem.” Well…ok then.
4. I am the one not trying.
   YOU begged and pleaded me to stay. The word I would use is trapped but that’s more of an emotional description that factual most likely. But on this subject, entrapment is not just physical. Mental entrapment is a very real thing. So you can sit there and point the finger at me like I’m not the one trying. But in reality, I told you I didn’t have any energy to try. And that even if I did, I could give you no definitive answer as to whether or not I could get in a place where I could trust you, love you, and be a partner to you. So in my eyes, being here is trying enough. Is that all I do? No. But no matter what, I am criticized. You want X, you get X, but then you want Y. I give you Y, you then want Z.
5. I read books that only contribute to relationship issues, dissatisfaction, and my desire for perfection.
   More like…I read those books for the support that I so desperately need. Maybe I’ll gain little bit of insight. Maybe I’ll find a little bit of validation. God forbid I actually learn a tool or tidbit of information that give me more insight and empathy into YOU. Who are you to judge what I read. Maybe I want to escape into some romance novel where all things are *perfect* but apparently I don’t deserve to escape into a book like other people that escape in other ways.
6. I have the wrong types of friendships and I shouldn’t tell my friends all of our problems.
   I think the more accurate statement would be: There is discomfort knowing that my closest friends do not like you. This is a direct result of them witnessing/observing your treatment of me, and/or a result of your treatment of them. I refuse to isolate. As for divulging all of our marriage and relationship woes…the truth is that I don’t. And honestly, I probably should more than what I currently do. For some reason, I still protect you. Because what if things get better, what if we find our happiness again…I don’t want my friends or family to have hatred towards you. I have the most genuine, supportive, kind, and understanding friends in the entire world. And for you to say anything other than that, comes from a place of insecurity. Nothing you say or do will keep me from them.

 

Why

So often I find myself saying Why?

Why did it have to end up this way?

Why can’t you just stop?

Why do I keep going back?

Why do I allow your words to penetrate my soul?

I refuse to fall into the trap of playing the victim. And these why questions that so often flood my mind, put me into the victim mindset. I would be 100% lying if I said none of this is my fault. I will take 50/50. Sure, sometimes it was 10/90, 40/60, 20/80… that’s marriage. That’s to be expected.

But what isn’t normal, what isn’t expected…

is the tone of our arguments. The control element in conversations. The blame. The subtle manipulation. The gaslighting.

Such an interesting word…gaslighting. If you’re anything like me, the severity of this will be so extreme before you even come to the realization it’s not normal or ok. It’s gradual and it’s not.

Have you ever had someone attack the very things that make you…you? I pray to God your answer to that question is no. But let me just say what a mind f*ck it is when someone you love tells you in one moment that they love X, Y, Z about you and the next moment, you are put down for the exact same things.

Sometimes I feel like I am able to see big picture, I have an understanding of the cycle. I can tell myself that I will not play into this. I will not allow this to bring out my anger. I will not add fuel to the fire. But have you ever felt so desperate to get your point across…actually not even that. Have you ever been so desperate to be able to just speak period, that when you aren’t given that opportunity, you just explode?

I’m not an angry person. I’d like to think I’m pretty calm and level-headed. But you bring out the worst in me. Correction: I ALLOW you to bring out the worst in me. And I don’t like that me. And whenever I bring myself back to that big picture…I don’t really like you either.

The raw. The real.

Emotional Abuse.

What a fucking whirlwind.

It took 6 years for me to put a name to it. And even then, I doubted the truth of what it was. I doubted myself. He convinced me I was being unreasonable, I was overreacting, it was my fault. And even though I knew with every ounce of my being that I wasn’t any of those things, I still believed it. And the excuses. There is ALWAYS an excuse or a reason, justification for the twisted and manipulative words and actions. And somehow, someway, I justified it too. Always confused, always on edge, never knowing which version of him was going to walk through the door.

You see,

the worst part is that you literally feel crazy. And he drove the craziness in so hard that I was too exhausted to think clearly anymore. In one moment I would feel so sure of myself, sure that I had found my voice and my strength again, and then his presence alone would deflate me. I was literally under his control.

Abusers are smart. Too damn smart.

I am strong. But my strength against him is nothing.

But my strength has grown. It continues to grow. And mentally, I am becoming calloused. I am finding my voice. There’s nothing he hasn’t already done…nothing I haven’t already heard. There’s no manipulation or twisting of words that I haven’t already been subjected to. He gets in my head, but I am numb to it now. It used to hurt my heart because I loved him with all of my being, heart, and soul. But you see, when that love dissipates, power is lost. He will not control me forever.

I am not free.

But I know that someday I will be.

Vacancy

No remorse.

No regret.

I question my own soul.

Because how it is possible to feel so much and so little all at the same time.

It will never be the same.

I will never be the same.

But here’s the thing.

I don’t want it to be.

Because the place I came from is a place I never want to go back to.

Vacancy.

 

One word prompt: Vacancy. 

 

What I Wish I Could Make You Understand

I love you.

I love you more than I ever knew it was possible to love someone.

You have put me through hell and back.

And I still love you.

But on the other side of that lies hate.

A hatred I never ever thought I could feel inside my body.

Especially not towards you.

How is it possible to love and hate someone so much all at the same time.

I look at you and feel pain.

I look at you and feel hope.

Still.

But this is a journey you have to take on your own.

Because if you don’t, we will destroy each other and everyone else in our path.

I can’t make you any promises. And I won’t.

But you are a good man, with a good heart.

You need to realize that and help yourself in every way possible so that you can have the life and love you deserve to have. You are worthy of so much more than feeling the way you feel most days.

I am begging you.

Get the help.

Admitting weakness and seeking help…that is true strength.