The eye is my exterior. On the inside, I am a fucking mess.
Life throws curveballs. Fast ones. Unexpected ones.
I never anticipated the day I fell out of love with the person I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. I never anticipated the endless number of women he let into his life behind my back. I never anticipated the hateful words I repeatedly heard out of his mouth. I never anticipated the gambling, the money spending, the disappearing acts, the one sided fights that could never be won. I never anticipated feeling so alone in “our” life that I would become 100% independent. And fiercely independent at that. I never anticipated the day I wouldn’t need him anymore. I never anticipated the day I no longer wanted him.
Broken souls don’t always break others, but sometimes they do.
Do I miss us?
Sometimes. Until I think about the happy memories and there’s a negative one attached to it. It was never sunshine and rainbows, it was an illusion for both me and everyone else that saw us.
What I miss is the us that I always hoped we could be. But we never really were that. It was always a hope, a dream, the straw that I kept grasping at to maintain faith in us and our relationship. I never knew I could love someone so damn much. Love isn’t enough. It’s just not and it never will be.
You have to fight every single day for the life you want. Think it, dream it, manifest it, live it, breathe it, make it. And when it’s marriage, you can’t make it on your own. Your partner needs to be right there with you every step of the way.
All I want is my person. My forever person. It’s not meant to be easy, I know that. But you should never be alone in your life journey when you’re with your significant other.
I am cracked but I will never be broken.
You will not break me.
I am calm.