My bible: You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero
If you haven’t read it, I HIGHLY recommend.
So there’s this thing I’m really struggling with. I’m working through it and honestly, I think I’m making progress but it’s tough. Forgiveness is hard. Like really really hard.
You know when someone hurts you more than you could have ever imagined, ruins you even. My initial reaction is anger. A lot of it. That settles down and I’m left with sadness. That sadness transforms into resentment because what that person did changed me, changed my life, changed my path. I have that brief rational moment where I’m like, “they didn’t change you. You ALLOWED it to change you. You are your own person and are who you allow yourself to be.” But about 1.2 seconds later I’m thinking a big fat “fuck you for doing this to me, to us, to our family.” It’s slightly bipolar in nature.
The biggest thing I am learning is that forgiveness is not about being nice to or benefiting the other party, it’s about being nice to myself. (Thank you Jen)
“It’s about putting your desire to feel good before your desire to be right. It’s about taking responsibility for your own happiness instead of pretending it’s in somebody else’s hands. It’s about owning your power by giving all your anger, resentment, and hurt the heave-ho.”
Something that really stuck with me today was – “Remember that you won’t even remember this.” Which is not totally true…because some things don’t blur quite so easy but the main point of that is helpful…
Anger and whatever other negative feelings you feel initially, in that moment and right after that moment of betrayal or hurt is fierce. It’s a force to be reckoned with. You know every little detail, you may or may not tell it over and over to other people or at least in your own head. Building up that ammunition about why this thing/act/person was so horrible. In that moment, forgiveness just sounds ridiculous. I mean how could you forgive. And why?! Fast forward a few weeks or months or some amount of time. Those little details have already started to fade. You likely remember that feelings you felt but they are not the same intensity. Does it still hurt? Probably. But it is the same as it was? Absolutely not. Fast forward again a few years. You likely don’t even think about it anymore. Maybe you do. But not with nearly the same intensity.
The point is – “Why make a huge drama out of it if you’re only going to forget about it one day? See it as the future non-event that it is and start forgiving right away.”
Along with resentment…comes the expectation of future fuck ups. I’m not sure if it’s because we expect it so it might hurt a little less when it does happen..or maybe because we lose faith in that person and their ability to be anything other than that. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I don’t like it.
There have been a lot of times in the past few years that I have tried to see the good in someone, the potential. It’s been short lived because history was on repeat time and time again. I got hurt. Over and over again. For a long time the blame was on him. I didn’t take ownership the role I played in it all. That’s another thing I am learning. It’s never one sided. And to truly heal, progress, learn and get through the tough times you have with someone, you have to acknowledge the part BOTH of you played.
I had a conversation with someone today about blame. And that blame serves no purpose. What…if I blame you, that makes me feel better about myself right? Maybe. But so what. Does it solve anything? No.
That’s another thing I’m working on.
Life is full of ups and downs. It’s about taking a few steps forward and taking a few steps back. It’s about movement.
The one thing I want you to take away from this is to not give your precious time and energy away to a future non event. To something that will all be a big blur someday…if it even still exists at all.