Perseverance

I’ve been going back and forth on writing this post. But the one thing I always come back to is that writing is my therapy. And no matter what words spill out onto the page, they are real and uncensored…and valid. So…here it goes.

It’s really easy after being hurt, to validate your own actions with, “Well you did this…your actions made me this way…what else can you expect, etc.” You see, I’ve been really good at this part…the whole not taking responsibility for the part I played, and in turn, not putting in any work to change anything. My attitude has been – Well I didn’t want to be here in the first place so the fact that I’m still here is enough. That takes care of my part because it’s the complete opposite of what I wanted.

Something has to be said for his perseverance…and the way he KEEPS SHOWING UP. Over and over again, despite my bad attitude and lack of commitment. He just keeps on showing up. And I must say that often times I really wished to myself that he wouldn’t. I’d think, “can you just give up already….just walk away because clearly this isn’t working.” But he didn’t. Did he always have a happy and positive attitude when he showed up, absolutely not. But neither did I, so I guess that leveled the playing field a little bit (except keeping score doesn’t do anyone any good). Can I really fault him for that?

I think he deserves a lot more credit than I’ve ever been willing to give him. But I think I’m ready now. When someone is irritable, resistant to anything you say/do, does not return affection, prefers to be alone rather than in your presence…how easy is it to keep putting in the effort? NOT easy. And if it were me, I’d probably run as far as I possibly could in the other direction. Because let’s face it, feeling unwanted and unworthy is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. But guess what I got in exchange for all that lack of effort? I recieved foot rubs, help with the household chores, surprise flowers, emotional support if/when I would actually let him in on any of my emotions. And I think all those little things add up to being way more important than the big things.

The one message I have consistently sent to him is that my healing will take time and I can’t promise what the outcome at the end of said “time” will be. How discouraging would that be? I didn’t want to lie and that…is my truth. How can I fault him for feeling discouraged when I just said myself that hearing and knowing that, would feel very discouraging. After all, it doesn’t provide much hope for a happily ever after ending.

I’ll tell you what his moments of weakness…his moments of feeling discouraged…his moments of being frustrated with the situation…have been to me. They were my emergency escape moments. His “fuck-ups” are my security blanket. The validation that I so very much need for some reason. Validation that he’s still the same person…that everything else is just a facade and once he feels secure in us, that he will go back to the way it’s always been.

WHY DO WE DO THAT AS HUMANS?

WHY is being vulnerable such an absolutely terrifying thing?

My head is stuck in the cycle. Because of past experiences, it is stuck. And unless I am willing to show up like he does…unless I am willing to be a little more vulnerable…I will never get out of that.

So to him…your commitment and perseverance does not go unnoticed. I’d like to think that I am slowly softening this outer titanium shell that I have built. Thank you for showing up – over and over and over again. I appreciate you…even though my words and actions often do not reflect that.